1. The "I Could Never" Rule

Get to know Kristen, hear a little about why it took her so damn long to start this podcast, and learn what to do when your brain tries to stop you from taking action on stuff that's important to you in your business — and everywhere else in your life.

This episode will teach you how to:

• Take stock of the things you actually want to do that you're holding back on
• Help your brain reorganize around your new identity as a person who does the shit you want to do
• Notice the difference between "fuuuuuuck" and "fuck no" — and what to do next
• Use your new awareness and skills to use what happened in the past to move yourself forward (instead of using it to beat yourself up and hold yourself back)
• Go from a person who "could never" to a person who actually can and is.

Prefer video? Watch this episode on YouTube: https://youtu.be/PDbOBVAab00

*****
I’m Kristen King, and I’ve been a business coach since before business coaching was cool — since the early 2000s after my first solo business hit six figures less than 2 years out of college. Now, I teach coaches, therapists, healers, and other brilliant service-based entrepreneurs like you how to build their own unique fuck-yeah business.

There's more to me than being a multi-certified coach for kickass entrepreneurs. I'm also a certified hypnotist and a certified mental health and wellness facilitator with an MBA, a master's in publishing, and 15+ years of multi-industry experience.

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Visit my website to learn more and find out how to hire me as your very own coach: https://kristenking.com

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Transcript

0:01

Hello friends. Welcome, welcome. I am so excited to finally be recording the first episode of my podcast. This shit has been a long time coming and I can't believe we're finally here. So welcome. I am joining you from Colorado, Leadville, Colorado to be exact, where we're at 10,200 feet elevation. And even though it's June, it is cold af here, you guys. So that is why I am currently wearing a sweatshirt and I have blankets all over my house and a space heater. So fun facts about what's going on over here. But seriously, I am so happy to be finally starting this. I have been doing stuff in the online space around content development. Content strategy, building communities around content since like 2004. And I can't believe it's actually taken me this long to start a podcast. So I am thrilled to be beginning and you know, it's about damn time. And I'll tell you, there were a couple things that held me back. And I wanna share these with you because they might be holding you back from making some decisions that you wanna make too. And that could be having you saying, fuck me, fuck me, fuck me all the time. Because stuff is not going the way you want it to. And I'm here that you're saying, fuck yeah. A lot more than you're saying, fuck me. So what was the thing that was holding me back? It was the belief that podcasting was for other people, not me. Which is a really weird belief for me to have, given that I've been on dozens of podcasts as a guest, and I am a talkative person. Anyone who has ever met me or found me on the socials knows that already. I actually used to have a blog way back in the day where the tagline was, because keeping my mouth shut is just plain exhausting. So seriously. This like did not make any sense that it has taken this long to happen. But I had this idea that it was for other people, not me. And a way that that shows up for me and a way that it might show up for you is this sentence that pops into my head that's like, oh God, I could never, oh, I could never do that. I could never do that. Because only other people do that. And so this might come up for you in stuff, in your personal relationships. It might come up with stuff in your business. It might come up in both. It might even just come up with conversations and decisions that you're doing that are just you with yourself. And so when I realized that there were not just to this place, but other places where this I could never thought was coming up for me, I made a rule and it's the, I could never rule. And anytime I have the thought, oh my God, I could never about something that I actually want to do. Then I have to go do it. Now if it's something that I could never do because I actually don't fucking want to, I do not have to do it. The I could never rule is only for stuff that I actually want to do and I'm stopping myself from doing it. So I wanna invite you to take a pause, maybe pause this podcast and check in with yourself about any of the places where you might be telling yourself, oh God, I could never, and stopping yourself from doing something that you actually want to do. Now, here's the thing. When you do that, you may discover that you do actually want to go do this thing, but it feels very uncomfortable and like that makes sense because you've been telling yourself you couldn't do it for a really long time. And so I wanna offer you that when. We go forth and do the things that we've said, oh, I could never and do them anyway. Part of the reason that it feels uncomfortable for me, it feels like dying, frankly, is that we've never done it before and our brain is reorganizing around what it's like to shift from being a person who could never, to a person who actually is. And that's a lot of newness for our brains to take on. And so they might be, your brain might be sending alarm signals to your body, so you feel a little nauseated. Maybe you're tingly, maybe you're having a hard time concentrating. Maybe you're, you're shaking and you're having like a fight or flight response. All of these things are really normal and your job, when you have found a thing that you really want to do that you haven't given yourself permission to do yet, your job is to notice what it feels like to in your body, to have that resistance feeling, to have that discomfort feeling, and start to practice noticing the difference between book. As in I'm freaked out versus fuck no. As in this is a thing that is absolutely not for me, and I'm not gonna do it. Anything that is a fuck no for you. That's just a no. Like that thing is decided already. You don't need to coach yourself on it. You don't need to change your thoughts about it. You don't need to do it anyway and override your own best instincts about what's right for you. When you get a fuck no, it's just a fuck no. It doesn't mean that you can't go back and check later. But for that moment, that means it's a no. And if it comes up again, see what's happening. If it's still a fuck no, then it's still a fuck no. If it's a different feeling, then you know, proceed to the next step. But when we're doing these new things that we really want to do when we're becoming the person who can, versus the person who could never, we get a fuck feeling inside of ourselves and like, fuck is really different from fuck no. That's a way for us to put words to the experience that we're having, and that doesn't mean you shouldn't be doing it. And so I always like to think about this in the context of exercise training. I would be lying if I told you that I'm currently a runner because I literally cannot remember the last time I ran. But I used to be a runner and. When I was training for longer and longer distances, I would notice that my muscles would get really soared and they would start to feel fatigued and by practicing stopping and continuing. When that happened, I learned where my line is in terms of the difference between these are my muscles breaking down so they can grow bigger. These are my lungs. Learning how to. Take in the oxygen and paste my breathing so I cannot pass out while I'm doing this. Versus something really bad is about to happen. I'm gonna tear something. I'm gonna pass out because I'm not sufficiently oxygenated I'm gonna fall over cuz I haven't eaten. And that's why everything feels bad. So like there's the, the discomfort of stretching beyond what you have done and pushing yourself to the next growth edge for you. And then there's the pain where something is really wrong. And so if you experience discomfort from growing, that's a place where you get to keep going. And a reframe that I like to offer myself when that comes up is instead of this feels like dying, which I still often say, cuz sometimes it helps to process out loud. I like to reframe it as, wow, I am feeling very alive right now. Because when we're under some sort of threat, whether it's an actual physical threat or something that feels like a threat because it's new. We are very aware of our aliveness because we're committed to continuing it, right? So the reframe from, oh my God, this feels like dying to wow, I'm feeling really alive right now is really useful for me when I notice that the discomfort and the resistance that I'm having are just newness versus a hard no, or is there something legitimately dangerous happening here? And so I wanna invite you to play around with that. What are, what are those things that you've been telling yourself you could never do. You actually wanna do them? And when you start trying that, what comes up for yourself? Is it a fuck, this is super uncomfortable, or it is a fuck no, I absolutely don't wanna be doing this. And as you start to notice those places that are currently happening in your life, or the things that you've been thinking about for a long time, but not acting on. You're probably also gonna start to notice some places in the past where that stuff was going on and you maybe didn't handle it. Then in the same way that you would be handling it now, you may look back on past events and start to have realizations about things that you did or didn't do in the past that you feel differently about now. And this could be anything from, you know, I can't believe I, I hired that coach. I can't believe I bought that course. I can't believe I went back to school for that degree. It could be, I can't believe I had that fight with my partner or I didn't take that opportunity. There's so many places where this could show up, and we have a tendency as humans that when we have these realizations, Our brain kind of automatically goes to this, what the fuck is wrong with me thing? And I wanna invite you to not do that. When you are increasing your awareness of the stuff that's going on for you now, and the stuff that's gone on for you in the past, that's something that you get to celebrate because you are noticing things that you have not noticed before. And if you had known before, the stuff that you know right now when you're looking back and noticing it, you might have done things differently, but you didn't know. Then you did what you did then based on what you had available to work with at that time, and now you have different things to work with and you get to decide what you're gonna do now. So when you look back on that stuff and you're like, fuck, I really wish I had handled that differently. That's a place where you can take that awareness. And apply it to what's happening right now. That's a place where you can celebrate and acknowledge and give yourself credit for noticing what's going on and developing more and more awareness of what you actually need and what you actually want, and how you wanna do this life thing, this business thing, this relationship thing, whatever it is. Because here's the thing, awareness develops backwards in time. And I want you to, just for a second, imagine that there's a line stretching out in front of you, and on the left hand side is before, I'll tell you before what in a second. And on the right hand side of the line, these are at the very ends is the after. And in the middle of that line is the thing that happened. It's the decision, it's the fight, it's the investment, it's whatever. The thing that happened is in the middle of this timeline of awareness, and you're looking back on this stuff way far over from the right hand end of the timeline. Maybe it's stuff from six months ago, maybe it's stuff from six years ago, I don't know, but it's done already. And you're looking back and noticing what wasn't available for you to notice at that time because you're noticing skills just weren't there. So instead of being like, oh my God, I'm so stupid, I can't believe I did that. You get to just notice that that's what happened and start to look for other things that are happening now that are similar to that. And as you start to engage in that process, your awareness is going to back up. Instead of being 10 years down the road from the thing that happened, whatever it was, your awareness is gonna have. You notice it maybe. Five years after it happened, maybe a year after it happened, maybe a month after it happened, maybe a week after it happened, maybe the next day, maybe five minutes later, because as you get better and better and better, At noticing these things, at finding these clues, at honing your awareness and seeing where these things show up for you and how it feels, so you can understand what's going on, you are going to become aware of them closer and closer and closer to the thing that actually happened. And at some point, you're gonna start to notice it in the middle. So you could be in the middle of making a decision of saying yes to a thing you wanna say no to of saying no to a thing that you wanna say yes to of saying I could never about something that you desperately want to do. And as your awareness backs up in time, eventually you're gonna catch yourself in the middle, and that means you're gonna be able to take a pause and decide consciously how you wanna move forward instead of just following automatic responses. And after you've done that long enough, you're gonna start to feel it coming. You're gonna start to notice it before the thing even happens, before the decision is made, before the disagreement occurs, before you hand over the money, whatever it is, you'll start to feel it starting, even if maybe you can't stop it right away, then you'll feel it getting ready to start. Then you'll start to anticipate it in advance. And be able to plan for it and prevent it or mitigate it so it doesn't take as long. And so the first step is just starting to get aware of what's happening in this moment and then seeing, looking back how we can apply that. But the next step is to give yourself a high five or however you wanna celebrate it for the things that you notice, and to start integrating them into what you're doing now. And if you practice that, If you keep developing the skill and the muscle memory of using the things that have happened in the past as an education for what's happening now and what's happening in the future, you're going to start to notice them faster and faster and faster. And this is how we rewire our brains to create new pathways and new patterns. It is not by beating ourselves up for not knowing then what we know now. That is not how learning works. And if we try to approach it that way, we're gonna stay a person who could never, we're gonna keep doing the things that we did because if we're not looking at them for those clues, we're not gonna notice them until we're looking way back in time, which is exactly the thing that has already happened, right? So if we wanna go on this journey, Of going from a person who could never, to a person who actually can, and is that awareness and that practice of noticing those things is gonna be a huge part of it. And so as we embark on this journey to go from, fuck me to Fuck Yeah, together, I wanna invite you to just start playing with that. See what comes up for you. Look at those places where you are stopping yourself and see what's actually true in those spots, and start backing up along that timeline of awareness and. Have fun with it. I'd love to hear what you come up with. I'd love to hear the things that you notice, the things that surprise you. So feel free to reach out to me on the socials. I'll put those links in the show notes. You can also shoot me an email. You can find that link on my website, which will be linked in the show notes. And I'd love to hear what you discover because I'm telling you what you guys, the decision to go from. Fuck me to fuck ya is the first step. And looking at the places where you can start doing it right now is the second. And when we keep doing that, that is what changes everything. So I look forward to hearing more about this from you. I look forward to talking more about it in future episodes, and I'm just so glad that you guys are here. I will talk to you next time.